Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
