Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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