She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
