U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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