I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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