the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
We are all done wearing pants today
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
