So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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