She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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