im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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