I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
