Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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