Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
