Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I'm determined to sit on that face.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
