Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
