Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
