I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
