Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
