i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
