if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
