Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
