My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Randomize
