I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
