I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
