Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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