Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
