ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
