Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
