Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
