y did u give ur computer a hand job?
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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