dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
