then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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