this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
