dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
