I hope mine doesn't look like that
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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