When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Pants 0. Shit 1.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
