hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
