I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
