You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
