I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
