K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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