i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Randomize
