My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
