I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
