New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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