i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
