where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
