when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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