I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
