bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
two words...techno handjob
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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