life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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